I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
