nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
