You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
