There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
