Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
