Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
