im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
