Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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