...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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