mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
