Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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