If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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