i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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