i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
