I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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