I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
