I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
