i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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