Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
