Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
