I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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