dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
