She is in my trunk
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
