Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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