Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
