sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
