Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
