i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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