He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
