Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Randomize
