Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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