she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
