Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
