I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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