I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
