i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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