Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
