Got a toothbrush?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
