I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
