I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
