I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We got so high we made milksteak
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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