Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
