Everything about him screamed your future.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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