there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I need a burrito and a hug.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize