apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
