I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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