I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
