cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
