i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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