No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
