u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize