I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
my poor anus
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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