this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
