My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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