3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
