I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
